Panic Attack Manifesto

Okay internets, here’s what’s up.

Much like a Rachael Ray recipe, the past two weeks have been erratic and absurd. The flakey crust of mayhem and laffs may suggest nothing but delicious enjoyment, but the hearty smattering of misery and confusion is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

/end idiot metaphor

I’m going to go ahead and get all of the worrisome stuff out of the way right now. I really need to clear my head. Later on I’m going to pay tribute to all the good stuff and Jesse-mayhem that has gone on recently which will hopefully cheer me up and not make me seem like such a sad kid. But first.

Let me preface it this way. Here is what is not fun: having panic attacks for no good reason, leaving your friends downstairs to go curl into the fetal position and cry, hoping vaguely for someone to come comfort you (nobody does and your heart is beating muchtoofast). Here is what is not fun: the 6am check to see if the person you are seeing is in bed with any of your housemates, since he sure isn’t in bed with you, (and, well). Here is what is not fun: your mom being very sick with another strange chronic condition and she is worried and sad and you are worried and sad and you just want to go home and make things better. Here is what is not fun: vivid nightmares every night, sore tense muscles every morning, and the feeling that everything is and has been wrong for a very long time now.

Also I am worried about this: when I moved to Chapel Hill I didn't know anyone or anything and I liked it that way. It's been five years and my mistakes are written everywhere and I sometimes think it would be good to go someplace new and start fresh. But what if I'm just fooling myself; pretending like anywhere I move to next will be any different in the end, like once half a decade goes by things won't feel stagnant and spent, like living this way won’t mean having to keep on and keep on leaving people and places in my wake like wasted empty plastic bags.

On top of everything, I’ve been sick this week with a fever-tummy-headache bug. It rains all day and my heart hurts and I’m lonely. I want to feel good about things, people. I want to feel good about things; people.